Uncovering the True Self: A Journey of Personal Discovery I

Uncovering the True Self: A Journey of Personal Discovery Part One

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Entry One - A Journey of Emotions

Part of a personal series documenting my growth, reflections, and lessons learned firsthand. Introduction: Learning the Nature of Usefulness of Emotions

When I look back on my journey with emotions, I see a story shaped by deep-seated beliefs, unspoken fears, and the long process of unlearning what I once thought was true. Today, I’m sharing how my upbringing shaped my understanding of emotions, the pivotal moments that led to change, and the ongoing work of reclaiming my emotional authenticity.

This is not a critique of religion or spirituality. It’s a reflection on how personal interpretations of faith, culture, and identity influenced my ability to connect with myself—and how I’ve begun to rebuild that connection.

The Early Lessons: Suppression and Shame

One memory stands out vividly. I was in my early teens, waking up from a dream that left me feeling deeply unsettled. The details of the dream aren’t as important as the weight it carried—it triggered an overwhelming sense of shame. At the time, I believed these feelings were a reflection of my moral failings, evidence that I wasn’t living up to the expectations of my faith or community.

I learned early that emotions like sadness, anxiety, and anger were not just uncomfortable—they were dangerous. Depression, in particular, was stigmatized as a weakness. If I admitted to feeling depressed, people might think I was losing my battle against “sin,” that I wasn’t a worthy example of someone successfully navigating spiritual warfare.

Suppressing emotions became second nature. I believed that strong feelings, especially the negative ones, meant something was wrong with me—not just as a person, but as a believer.

The Turning Point: A Session in Therapy

Decades later, long after leaving the church of my youth, I sat in a therapist’s office, recounting a story about a frustrating encounter earlier in the week. I told the story calmly, with no outward signs of irritation or anger. Midway through, my therapist asked, “You’re angry right now, aren’t you?”

The question caught me off guard. Angry? Was I? I laughed nervously, trying to brush it off. “I don’t think so. I mean, maybe?”

He paused, giving me space to sit with the question. Then, in a gentle tone, he said, “It’s okay if you are angry.”

That simple statement hit me like a bolt of lightning. I realized how reflexively I suppressed emotions, even when they were completely justified. In that moment, I felt something shift. It was the beginning of a new understanding: I could give myself permission to feel.

The Long Journey: Relearning Emotions

Reconnecting with my emotions wasn’t an overnight transformation. It was a slow, deliberate process of working through them one by one, peeling back layers of conditioning and self-judgment.

Starting with Anger

Anger was the first emotion I tackled, and it felt like learning a foreign language. For so long, I’d seen anger as dangerous—a sign of losing control or being selfish. But through therapy, I began to reframe it as a signal, not a threat.

When anger arose, I asked myself questions:

• What boundary might have been crossed?

• What need is going unmet?

It was uncomfortable at first. Allowing myself to feel anger felt indulgent, almost as if I was prioritizing myself in a way I didn’t deserve. But over time, I realized that anger, when acknowledged and processed, could help me stand up for myself and set boundaries - something I’d rarely done before.

Reclaiming Pride

Pride was another emotion I’d long suppressed. I grew up associating pride with arrogance, a trait that was deeply frowned upon. As a result, I minimized my achievements and downplayed moments of success, afraid that acknowledging them would make me seem egotistical or self-absorbed.

In therapy, I began exploring what healthy pride looked like. I came to understand that taking pride in my accomplishments wasn’t about boasting or placing myself above others. It was about honoring the effort I had put in and recognizing my own worth.

Celebrating small wins became a practice. Whether it was finishing a challenging task or showing up for myself in a difficult moment, I worked to embrace pride as a way to build confidence and self-respect.

Redefining Selfishness

The idea of selfishness was perhaps the most deeply ingrained. I’d been taught to view prioritizing my needs as inherently wrong, a betrayal of the selflessness that was held up as the highest virtue.

In therapy, I began reframing this belief. Self-interest, I learned, wasn’t about taking from others - it was about creating balance. By prioritizing my needs, I wasn’t being selfish; I was ensuring I had the capacity to show up fully in my relationships and responsibilities.

I started asking myself questions:

• What do I need in this moment to feel supported?

• How can I honor my needs while respecting those of others?

This shift was liberating. I realized that advocating for myself wasn’t a flaw—it was a strength. It allowed me to engage with others from a place of wholeness rather than depletion.

Breaking Free: Authenticity and Connection

After about a year of focused work, something shifted. Emotional acceptance became second nature. I no longer needed to analyze my feelings in real-time or monitor how I was responding. Instead, I was fully present in my interactions with others.

This transformation changed my relationships. I became more empathetic, more engaged, and more authentic. I found myself listening more deeply, connecting more genuinely, and embracing the natural flow of emotions in conversations. For the first time, I felt truly alive in my interactions.

Reflections: Strength in the Struggle

One quote, shared with me by an advisor during this journey, continues to resonate:

“Conscious self-liberation is not for the faint of heart.”

This work - reclaiming my emotions, challenging deeply ingrained beliefs, and rewriting the narrative I’d lived by - was some of the hardest I’ve ever done. But the rewards were worth it.

Why I’m Sharing This

I share this story because I know how isolating it can feel to be disconnected from your emotions, especially when that disconnection is rooted in shame or fear. Reclaiming my emotional life has been one of the most transformative parts of my journey, and I hope that by sharing it, others might find validation or inspiration to take the next step in their own healing.

Emotions aren’t a judgment - they’re signals, reminders that we are alive and human.

Call to Reflection

Have you ever felt disconnected from your emotions or struggled to accept them without judgment? If so, I invite you to reflect on your relationship with emotions and consider what it might look like to embrace them fully.

This post is part of an ongoing series documenting my personal growth. In the next chapter, I’ll be exploring my struggles with imposter syndrome and the journey to reclaim my sense of worth.

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Disclaimer & Copyright

This post reflects my personal experience and is not intended to serve as professional advice or therapeutic guidance. If you are navigating similar challenges, I encourage you to seek support from a qualified mental health professional.

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